Introducing a new concept: “whiteousness,” the unshakable belief that one knows what’s best for others, especially those of other races or lower income brackets.
Today I invite you to ponder one of the great questions of our age: How can I pull down some serious cheddar in the name of the achievement gap? How has the civil rights issue of our time turned out to be the source of so many civil wrongs? Last week, a patchwork of groups from across the country filed civil rights complaints claiming that school closures and turnarounds are hurting minority students. In what can only be described as ironical, officials from the same Obama administration that hatched the achievement gap closing policies will now look into the whether those policies have violated civil rights.
Just yesterday our favorite achievement-gap *crushing* friends were celebrating their success, albeit “humbly,” in the form of newly released memoirs and op-eds in which they put children first. So how is it that these same rephormers who seek only to help disadvantaged minorities by eliminating their gaps and preparing them for a vague and ominous-sounding 21st century workplace are now being accused of actually violating civil rights? Alas reader, after spending more time in Reformlandia than any medical professional would recommend, I have concluded that our fearless reformers are so blinded by whiteousness that they can no longer tell the difference between civil rights and civil wrongs.
- Now with more freshness: New, improved staff lie at the heart of any quality school turnaround plan. And by fresh, I mean young, and also white.
- Did I say freshness? I meant superfreshness: Supersize that turnaround by importing an entire corp of fresh young teachers who hale from someplace Ivier and will be headed back there (to law school) just as soon as their tour of test prep duty comes to an end.
- Love it or leave it: The academies of excellence and innovation that are replacing our failing, union-stifled public schools suspend minority students at eye-popping rates. In fact they only manage to escape civil rights violating scrutiny because…
- Segregation is the new black: Remember when segregation was the civil rights issue of our time? In a truly head-spinning reversal, closing the achievement gap (otherwise known as the new civil rights issue of our time) may merit re-segregation.
- Los escuelos charteros (still) have a secret!: As we know well, the miracle schools so beloved in Reformlandia educate the exact same students as the LIFO-lifer vacation destinations known as public schools. That is with uno or dos differencias importante…
- No excuses: The other side of the achievement gap is different from the wide fairways and manicured greens that you and I know so well. It turns out that Gap Kids do best in a structured, semi-militarized environment with plenty of extra enrichment test prep.
- The fierce urgency of no comment: When a product is working so well, it doesn’t make sense to ask the people whose children will soon be experiencing the product what they think about the new, improved product. They will have plenty of opportunities to express their gratitude on brochures and also in newspaper “articles.”
How whiteous are you? Send tips, comments or dance moves to firstname.lastname@example.org.