Still looking for the purrfect gift for that extra excellent and innovative someone in your life? Not to worry. EduShyster has assembled an assembly of offerings guaranteed to send test scores soaring all through the holidays and into 2013. So from my rephorm family to yours: ¡feliz navidad and a very prospero año!
Just for her, a Galvanic Gates-let
Nothing tells the lady in your life “you’re proficient” like a Galvanic bracelet from the exclusive Gates Collection of unbelievably great ideas. How does it work? Simple: the bracelet measures how interesting you are as a person by measuring the interest levels of the individual who wears it. And these gizmos can be worn long after test taking season has reached its apex. Best of all the Galvanic accessories are easy to find. In fact EduShyster predicts that they will soon be mandatory in a classroom near you.
Tee for America
Call it the challenge of our time: how does one support excellence and innovation, especially for poor, union-stifled minority children, and look great doing it? Don’t you worry your pretty little head, innovator-in-training. Order this slim fit JCrew Teach For America tee and you can feel great knowing that, at last, poor urban youth will have access to Ivy League level excellence, however briefly. Best of all, this super-soft tee is a true impact piece—as in the money raised will be used to fund TFA’s real mission: producing rephorm leaders to “effect fundamental change in education.” By the way, that’s TFA foundress Wendy Kopp herself rocking the tee in the picture at right. Hopefully you’ll sell a whole bunch of them because I hear that TFA is BROKE.
For the LIFO Lifer in Your Life
There’s no greater motivational tool than the story of someone who is just a little bit better than you are. Reader: meet Deborah Kenny, CEO of Harlem Village Academies. She’s blonder than you, thinner than you, and her test scores—don’t even get me started… Fortunately there’s a way for even low achievers to experience Kenny’s excellence and innovation. Kenny’s memoir, Born to Rise, is available free to teachers this holiday season—even LIFO lifers—thanks to a campaign that might better be called ‘Deborah Kenny: Don’t Even Bother Trying to Be Like Her.’ Sadly Born to Rise is available only as an e-book so you won’t be able to resell it…
Amplify Me Baby
This season’s must have gift is an interactive 4G tablet, with WiFi and technical assistance from AT&T, thoughtfully provided by rephormer-in-chief Joel Klein and his edu-product company: Amplify. And by ‘must have’ I mean that our nation’s national security is at risk if you don’t buy this interactive 4G tablet, with WiFi and technical assistance from AT&T. The good news is that, reader, you’re in for a treat. Remember the old days when we used to have to engage in painful human interaction after opening our gifts? No more. Now you simply activate the chat room function on your interactive 4G tablet (WiFi and technical assistance provided by AT&T) and interact away!
Wine Boxing Day
Enough about what everyone else thinks you deserve for Christmas. What is it you really want? If you answered “a box of wine,” you’re in luck. Your deepest desires can now be shared thanks to this handy mouse pad. You’ll enjoy looking at it while you wait for your complimentary copy of Born to Rise to finish downloading. Note: this delightful image is also available as a refrigerator magnet or even a clock—perfect for watching as you wait for 3:00 to arrive.
Happy holidays from EduShyster. Feel free to send reflections, good tidings and holiday nog recipes. And here’s to an excellent and innovative 2013!